Discovering Bipolar II
My journey to late diagnosis and embracing a new path
It was 2021, I was a couple of months deep into deciding that I was going to become a writer. I had gone all in. I updated my employer that I was going to do this as my side hustle, I’ve purchased a website with all the works, I established a social media account, wrote a few blogs about my passion (psychology). Joined a creative writing competition, asked my advisor to change all my electives to courses that would support my writing path. I was invested and determined that this is going to be my path while I continue to work on my Psychology degree.
Then, dark clouds began to creep in on the sunny skies. I had committed to writing two blogs a week, post everyday on my social media, write a psychological horror anthology, and continue to compete in writing competitions. I still had my family, friends, work, and school to balance. A few weeks ago, I was waking up at 4am to accomplish all of this. Sleeping 4 hours and repeating. I was never tired, and I was relentless. Now, I just sat in bed.
I was waking up later and later. Twice a week blogs turned into one every two weeks. Social media was dead. I was in my head more. Questioning why I even started this in the first place. Regretting all the money I had spent on a hobby that went nowhere. I’d wake up with anxiety that I’ll never progress beyond the limits set by my family history. I was doomed to remain stagnant. Treading water. My relationships were getting thin. I hardly put effort into meeting up with anyone. Doing anything. I kept myself distracted with nostalgic movies and tv shows. Keeping my mind occupied with trivial things that kept me from facing reality. I felt like I was pedaling on an endless uphill road.
In one last ditch effort to maintain my writing routine, I decided that my next topic would be mental disorders. The one I landed on that would open my eyes and change the course of my life was Bipolar.
What is Bipolar?
There are countless resources out there that explain what bipolar disorder is. According to the DSM V, bipolar is a mood disorder characterized by significant changes in mood, energy, activity levels, and the ability to carry out day-to-day tasks. It includes both manic and depressive episodes. There are three types:
1. Bipolar I Disorder:
· Defined by the occurrence of at least one manic episode, which may be preceded or followed by hypomanic or major depressive episodes.
· Manic episodes are characterized by abnormally elevated, expansive, or irritable mood and increased energy or activity, lasting at least one week and present most of the day, nearly every day.
2. Bipolar II Disorder:
· Characterized by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but no full-blown manic episodes.
· Hypomanic episodes involve less severe symptoms than manic episodes and last at least four consecutive days.
3. Cyclothymic Disorder:
· Involves periods of hypomanic symptoms as well as periods of depressive symptoms lasting for at least two years (one year in children and adolescents), but the symptoms do not meet the diagnostic requirements for a hypomanic episode or a major depressive episode.
I am of the school that believes that bipolar, among many other disorders, is a spectrum. My bipolar symptoms may look completely different that what others may look. I did not require hospitalization while others did. It affects my life differently than other people with bipolar. Most important is that my choice of treatment and management of this disorder is different and unique to me. One last thing, bipolar disorder is not a personality disorder. It’s a mood disorder.
A good explanation that I heard was from Dr. Tracy Marks who is a psychologist and has many great videos on social media and YouTube on the subject. She explains that our personalities are like the climate of a region. Some may have a humid, tropical climate some may have a cold rainy, climate. A person’s mood is like the weather. Rain, snow, sunny, hailing, tornado, hurricanes. You get the gist. A person with bipolar disorder will have extreme weather for a period of time caused by the global warming (bipolar).
Getting a Late Diagnosis
I was 34 years old when I got my official diagnosis for Bipolar II disorder. I had gone approximately 20 years undiagnosed. 20 years of hypomania and severe depression. 20 years of failed business ideas. 20 years of lost ambitions. Lost friendships, financial turmoil, failed relationships. However, now I had insight. I had an explanation for all events in my life that I look back on and cringe.
I had sought out a psychologist that specialized in adult diagnosis. My journey went like this.
- Finding a psychologist:
Finding a psychologist that was reasonable and had decent reviews took me a while. An excellent resource to find a therapist that works with your insurance and handles what you are looking for is PsychologyToday.com. Their filter features are terrific and also contain great blogs written by professionals surrounding mental health.
2. Contact and Questions:
Once you find someone who can run an assessment for mental health conditions. You must, of course, take that step to call or fill out that online form. When you are contacted with the practice, be noticeably clear on what your intent is. What you suspect and ask any questions. There are no silly questions.
3. Seeing the Psychologist:
My experience was like this. In my first appointment, I met with the psychologist for about an hour or a little past an hour. It was a “getting to know you” session. We talked about my childhood, my teens, why I suspected I have bipolar, my lifestyle. I laid it all out. After we were done, she sent me home with four forms.
4. Questionnaire:
There were four questionnaires that I had to take.
· Adult Behavior Checklist (One for me and one for an informant): This form was provided to me and my wife. I had to self-report on my family history, my job, personal worries and so forth. My wife had to fill one out about me.
· BRIEF Report (One for me and for an informant): This one was more of a questionnaire that I filled out about myself while my wife filled out one about me.
5. Follow up:
After I turned in my form I had to wait a bit for my next appointment. My next appointment was about an hour or so longer. We spoke a little bit and then the psychologist went over my results. She explained my diagnosis and what that means. How she came to her assessment and what the next steps were. For me, she confirmed my suspicion of bipolar disorder. To be specific, bipolar II disorder with complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). She hooked me up with one of the therapists that specializes in CPTSD. She also recommended cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and being prescribed on meds. For meds, I’d need to speak with a psychiatrist (someone who has gone through med school and is legally able to prescribe medications).
6. Next steps:
The rest was on me. Now that I had the answers and list of resources and places to start. It has been up to me to keep up. I maintained having the therapist for about 7 months until my therapist switched practices. I said I would find another therapist who would work with my insurance, but I never did. Eventually, my mania started to creep in, and I no longer felt the need for help. Then came the depression, then mania, then baseline, then repeat. I remained unmedicated to this day. It wasn’t until several months ago after reading my old journal entries that I completely understood and saw my mood cycle in my writing.
Medications I’ve Taken
I understand that this may be a controversial thing to say. I have not been on medications. I have not taken any medications since I’ve had bipolar disorder when I was a teen to now. My bipolar disorder is not as severe as those who may have bipolar I. So, it’s been manageable enough.
I do not recommend this approach nor is this approach the best approach for everyone. I have been utilizing pure self-motivation, eating better, exercising, studying mental health practices and techniques, and doing a ton of research on psychology and philosophy to stay on track.
This path is hard. Extremely hard. However, I’ve come to terms with it and understand the difficulty and so have my loved ones. I have my downs, but I’ve built so much resilience and wisdom over the years that it has allowed me to keep this disorder under control the best I can. Just knowing what my triggers have been a huge help and part of maintaining this.
Conclusion
Although I was diagnosed with BPII at 34, I’ve had it since I was a teen. I’ve struggled. I’ve had the worst times of my life and the best times of my life. Understanding this disorder and being able to identify when it is kicking in, has been a tool in my arsenal to keep this under control. Am I opposed to medications? Not at all. This is a choice that I have made, that my family and friends understand. I have not had a huge episode since. This is my hope with my blogs and my content. To provide additional tools, share my experience, and do my best to help those who have struggled with mental health.
I want to reiterate that I highly recommend seeking help from a professional. I was lucky to have some health benefits that I took advantage of through my employer to help me get the help I need. I often seek counseling when I am faced with a wall and that has been beneficial. Also, repeating, my style of treatment is not suitable for most people. Stay informed and make sure you understand your options.
One last thing. You are not alone.
